Hilarious Answering Machine Messages

Not part of the quest for self knowledge if anything evidence of regression from desired destination...I have actually heard some of these.....Nzilani...yours takes the cup!

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed. The new number is 226-0477. (Yes, same number.) Please make a note of it.

Please leave a tone after the message.

Hi, you have reached Richard. I'm sorry, but my answering machine is out of order, so the voice you are hearing is actually me

Hello, you have reached 555-1234. Our voice mail system is currently experiencing difficulties, so at the tone, please type your message on the keypad using the appropriate letters, and press the pound sign when finished.

"Hi. This is John. If you're the phone company, I already sent the money. If you're my parents, please send money. If you're my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you're my friends, you owe me money. If you're a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. "

This is not an answering machine--this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

Congratulations! By correctly dialing 123-4567, you have become eligible to leave a message! (Applause.) Join the lucky few that have advanced to the next level! (Cheers.) And now, at the sound of the tone, leave your name, number, the time you called, and a brief message.

(Classical music:) This is our answering machine. (Switch to heavy metal racket:) This is our answering machine on drugs. (Silence...) Any message?

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.

Thank you for reaching out to us. Nobody is home now. However, if you leave a message, we'll reach out and touch you.

Hello, please send me email instead. I always never playback these stupid answering machine messages. Besides, I am probably online right now.