Aforeword: The Word

Tonic. £220 pounds to anyone who can find Paul.

2005-04-04T12:31:00.000-07:00

Okay so I, well, we discover this place, Tonic...which is off the chain, the wall, and the hinges...and we go there, and lime out,in a cool way to sip cocktails...as though we are fully fledged adults...(ummm???)
And along comes Paul...Paul looks like an overzealous gym instructor. Except that none of it is muscle, its all boobs, fat and ego! anyhow, along he comes in that egocentric-gym-instructor-chest-outty-kinda way...and he orders a drink, he's not sure what he wants to drink, so he settles for "what the ladies drink." (oh please the charm is overwhelming me.)
Much to mine and Laura's (my foster mother)dread and despair, he utters the first word to a disasterous conversation. "ella"...(Hello, in a Liverpuddlian accent.)
Coyly, and rather ingenuinely we both force out smiles...the type that really say...eff off or my big black brother is gonna thump you. And so he takes it as his cue...to talk...nonsense and utter rubbish for about an hour...
"I'm a gambler...I'm into electronics" (mate, where's the correlation?)
"oh, what kind."
"well i fix fruit machines, but I'm moving on to ferraris"
(oh, wow, impress us more, PLEASE)
"so are you gonna come with me?....fly to the top, you can either fly or kiss it goodbye" (he turns around sticking bottom out)
(did i mention he looks like phil mitchell from eastenders...ooh ooh ohh, yes I'll fly with you...ummm, not quite...oh this is all a true story by the way.)
"ho ho ho...funny you are!"
"ooooh hold on(he pretends his phone has rung)...its for you...its fifty cent"
"I'm sorry Im not familiar with him"
Laura laughs under her breath...well you must b because you're black (we share a special moment of amusement)
"I'm sorry," I say to Paul "I don't know him, and no, I'm not black, I'm Afrasian"
....and yes...he did it...something or other "black bitch."
In my mind I played out the headbutts and flying kicks, bodyslams that i was about to deliver to him courtesy of Brian...and then i thought again.
Why give him what he obviously wants (aside of a shag with me)...why give him that pleasure. Or that time...the nine boys with whom I came would obviously bury him and his boobs. So why bother?
U can't possibly understand the pain I feel now whn I repeat those words in my head..."black bitch" why did i have to be so rational? what i would pay now too see his nose as the bullseye of a dart board!

Just as You are

2005-04-01T23:09:00.000-08:00

Perfection is nobody’s to own,
She sits alone, in the horizon
At sundown perfectly juggling the light
We, mortal and flawed have sat countless times at nightfall
In awe, in adulation
At her exact talent.
But then you, in all your decorous imperfection,
The very way
Shape
Taste
Colour
And form that makes you…
I love you

…Just as you are

Have you ever met somebody, who you feel could fill those gaps you sometimes feel inside of you, just by being there? I met a man, a music making man, hella cute, like I like 'em too. He was dark and unconventinally, but so perfectly handsome. And when he spoke, I could feel the reverberations in my throat. He carried himself with such dignity and unspoken authority, like a man who knew himself. I loved him, from that very day, I loved him fiercely. He didnt fill the gaps, infact he made them wider, he spurred me to find what was missing from myself, so I could be a complete person. And now I understand what I loved in him so fiercely, the fact that he was whole. He was what I wanted to be. He showed me my roadmap to finding my own peace. That was my first step in my quest for the gen.

He's just no that into you

2005-03-31T11:31:00.001-08:00

Aside of being insanely hilarious, this book is so blatantly honest, I mean I was in bed screamin "Amen..." Whether you're dating, divorced, single—or have friends who are—these six little words could save years of heartache and doubt!
Oh sure, they say they're busy. They say that they didn't have even a moment in their insanely busy day to pick up the phone. It was just that crazy. All lies. With the advent of cell phones and speed dialing, it is almost impossible not to call you. Sometimes I call people from my pants pocket when I don't even mean to. If I were into you, you would be the bright spot in my horribly busy day. Which would be a day that I would never be too busy to call you.

So what did I learn? Unfortunately, guys are too terrified to ever directly tell a woman, "You're not the one." But their actions absolutely show how they feel.

I feel like a liberated genious!!!!

God...Do we NEED proof?

2005-03-24T07:52:00.000-08:00

If you found a clock and examined the mechanism within it, you would probably think that this intricate mechanism was not the outcome of mere chance, that it had been designed. Now look at the universe; is it possible that such an intricate mechanism, from the orbits of planets round the sun to the cells in your fingernails could all have happened by chance? Surely, this enormously complex mechanism has been designed, and the being that designed it must be God.

oh BOTHERRRRRRRRRRR!

2005-03-11T00:57:00.000-08:00

Ever get the feeling something is drastically gonna go awry? feel it uncanningly in my bones right now. EEk, fingers crossed I guess.

A Poem on the Bain of African Development

2005-03-05T20:36:00.000-08:00

African Problem African Solution
(On NEPAD)

Problem: A state of difficulty that needs to be resolved
Solution: The successful action of solving a problem
Or a homogeneous mixture of two or more substances

Oh shrewd leaders
Our sanctified snake feeders
We are proud of you
We admire your chivalry
Remove us from our misery,
Give us Uncle Sam
Because, ofcourse, he gives a damn!

Rebuild our Zion!
They would never hold us ransom like
Richard coeur de Lion
Drunk on our own control
We rock and roll
Let us sway to the hypnotic tune
Dance along to their Babylon song
Inebriated as we swoon

Let us feast from the tree of knowledge
When given the cue
We will have all the answers
And in a day or two
We shall embark on our great eight mission
Let us pledge to this based on a ‘common vision’
To embark on our Empire
Lead us like sheep following the Shepard to slaughter
We truly are inspired!

Nosh us with ‘solutions’
Distend us with ideas
If we don’t agree, carry us away in black Maria’s
Man cannot live by bread alone
But by every dictate of the great eight...
Once fed
By lies and bread
There is no turning back
But no, leaders
You really are the true jungle VIP
Follow, follow the leading wolves in the pack.

Me...I guess

2005-03-05T19:16:00.000-08:00

Some one asked me today to describe myself, and thats always a hard thing to do for me, but I rembered that not long ago genious came over me as it does so often....people are sometimes defined by what they like and don't like....so i took the liberty to put down all those things I like(about a year ago...although all still ring true), its not really worth my time documenting what i dislike, it would just be Snakes for about fifty lines down the page!!!!!

So This Is It.(all the things i love)

Morning dew
Toni Morrison
Maya Angelou
Pink ballet shoes and a pink tutu
To match

Jam doughnuts
The smell of the rain
Most things red
Above all the sunshine after the rain

Hot fudge death by chocolate sundae
Mocha flavoured ice tea
Making sweet love all day Sunday

James Baldwin
If Beale Street Could Talk
Granddad’s story telling
James Brown when he walk the walk

Baby oil on my back
Aubergine silk covering my crack
Posters discouraging the use of crack

Rollerblading under the summer sky
Pumpkin pie
Espionage movies
Slightly squinted eyes
Lightly kissed thighs

Coconut milk
Cinnamon chewing gum
Baked beans and bacon
A pinch on the bum

India Arie and Miles Davis
Baggy jeans falling on a small waist
Chubby chubby babies
Cream Soda after taste

Curled up lips
Nina Simone
Wide ass hips
Dark skin tone
Cartilage off the bone
Driving alone

Matisse
Shower sex
Quiche
DJ at the decks

Loud Laughs
Friendly priests
Kisses on brows
Beauties and beasts.

Brand new hockey kit.
So this is it.

Loving

2005-02-08T10:48:00.000-08:00

Loving someone you shouldn’t love

can make you do things u normally wouldn’t be capable of.

Loving someone who’s not right for you

will make you not wanna believe the truth.

Loving someone who pretends to feel the same

can bring you so much heartache and pain.

Loving someone who doesn’t really care

will have you making excuses for why they`re never there.

Loving someone who doesn’t love you back

can make your whole life fall off track.

Loving someone who treats u like s**t

will make you not wanna realize it.

Loving someone who treats u bad

can make u feel so stupid and sad.

Loving someone who loves another

will make u hate that motherf***er.

No Regrets Case UR MY HERO!!!!

2005-02-01T11:41:00.000-08:00

Loving you was incredible
It came so natural to me
Cause you were always available
For every one of my wants and needs
We always talked about settling down
Raising a family
But sometimes in life our plans ain't meant to be

Baby I've tried
But couldn't say
What I really did want from you
Baby and now
My life, my life hasn't been the same
Can we give it a chance
Can we start all over again
Before we throw it all away, I just need to know

Because here we go around again
Just won't let it die
Being wrong or being right
I just have to try
Love leads me right back to you
It never tells me why
I ain't gonna go through life
With no regrets

Now we can start by makin' apologies
But saying sorry ain't gonna make it right
All the spiteful things you done said to me
Cause I heard you a million times
But now I've learned how to express
What's really on my mind
So I'm telling you
I need you in my life

Baby I've tried
But couldn't say
What I really did want from you
My life, my life hasn't been the same
Can we give it a chance
Can we please give it one chance
Before we throw it all away, I just need to know for sure

Baby now it's up to you
Cause livin' life without
You just ain't cool
So darlin' I want you back
Cause I'm a girl with no regrets

conversate

2005-02-01T11:33:00.000-08:00

can we conversate
so we can get to learn eachother
i dont think we should wait
if this is a forever thing
i know we made afew mistakes
in return we hurt eachother
we really need to conversate
if this is a forever thing

Gotta make it thru this new year

2005-01-17T20:02:00.000-08:00

this is my desperate cry i gotta make it thru this new year without so many tears. i gotta make it through this new year without so many sleepless nights.. i gotta find myself this new year, or really, whats left of me....i gotta find peace of mind, i gotta find some peace of mind.
i gotta find my destiny this new year...i gotta find my pocket full of sense. i gotta find Christ this new year coz he left me for too long and he need to know i'm mad he left.
im cryin desperately coz this year i really got to be grown, no matter what the tide brings....this year i see the real world, this new damn year. this year i gots to have my head up no matter what plagues my heart. this year i gotts to make Chi function without feeling like she cud breakdown at every "give way" sign.
i gotta make it thru this year being tru to my body, gotta make it thru this year being tru to my heart. gotta make it thru this year not failing my mind. gotta make it thru this new year. i just gotts ta.

Hilarious Answering Machine Messages

2005-01-17T16:51:00.000-08:00

Not part of the quest for self knowledge if anything evidence of regression from desired destination...I have actually heard some of these.....Nzilani...yours takes the cup!

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed. The new number is 226-0477. (Yes, same number.) Please make a note of it.

Please leave a tone after the message.

Hi, you have reached Richard. I'm sorry, but my answering machine is out of order, so the voice you are hearing is actually me

Hello, you have reached 555-1234. Our voice mail system is currently experiencing difficulties, so at the tone, please type your message on the keypad using the appropriate letters, and press the pound sign when finished.

"Hi. This is John. If you're the phone company, I already sent the money. If you're my parents, please send money. If you're my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you're my friends, you owe me money. If you're a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. "

This is not an answering machine--this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

Congratulations! By correctly dialing 123-4567, you have become eligible to leave a message! (Applause.) Join the lucky few that have advanced to the next level! (Cheers.) And now, at the sound of the tone, leave your name, number, the time you called, and a brief message.

(Classical music:) This is our answering machine. (Switch to heavy metal racket:) This is our answering machine on drugs. (Silence...) Any message?

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.

Thank you for reaching out to us. Nobody is home now. However, if you leave a message, we'll reach out and touch you.

Hello, please send me email instead. I always never playback these stupid answering machine messages. Besides, I am probably online right now.

Somebody 4 me

2005-01-10T15:16:00.000-08:00

I'M LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY
SOMEONE WHO CAN TAKE AWAY
THIS DEPRESSION I'M FEELING
REPLACE IT WITH SOME HAPPY

i wrote this last night...and ofcourse when i woke up in the morning its seemed like the dumbest thing I ever wrote...because of that silly cliche that all Oprah fans such as myself have as a mantra...true happiness is from within.
I would like to expound upon it...and perhaps say that lasting happiness is found from within.
Anything outside of youself, can not be depended upon to provide joy, because only you can give yourself dependable guarantees...Any promises of joy or stability that come from outside yourself are not in the real sense guarantees at all( oh dear, too much word play...semantics).
Thats not to say the joy found in loving another is not lasting...it very well can be...its just NOT a hands down guarantee.
how cynical...in truth its all much simpler than this...we just live it...those successful in lovelove themselves. and then love another...its that simple.

Either way , the way in which i meant it when it was written, wa snot somebody, as in a man, and is some uber erotic specimen...just a friend/soulmate.

so whats the point? when you wake up feeling sad and lonely, look deeperthere is a jar of sunshine in there SOMEWHERE.

R.I.P

2005-01-10T02:47:00.000-08:00

He took you both in the same year, after years of respite where loss seems so distant. One i knew and loved, the other i despised did not care to know, but somehow, loved noneltheless. Both taken forom our lives so unexpectedly, by absolute mystery, one by murder the other by sudden unexplained illness. I will miss them both so dearly. One was my earth angel, the other my source of caution. I dont understand death, why people have to go, and so they do, why cant we know so we can make things right? And it makes me think, makes me wonder about God....and why he takes...reminded me of Shay...at times it seems like he is benevolent and unable, rather than malevolent and able. But then I remember that he gives and how he gives. And i see the balance. In pain we forget joy and in joy forget pain. The suddeness of it all means i do not feel the intensity of grief, I'm almost in a lull of changing emotions...The anger is enveloping and the despair the same. the confusion makes me feel so helpless.

never forget the joy you were in our lives though, that will forever outweigh the pain we feel at your loss. my joy is seeing you again someday. watch over us.

R.I.P

What you wanna know about me....Quiz

2005-01-05T20:38:00.000-08:00

The Self Search.

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1) Chi
2) Chiedza
3) miss_vibe
THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1) I'm very open and accepting
2) I’m smart
3) I can write like a bad ass
THREE THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1) I deal with emotions too much
2) I take things entirely too personally
3) My stupid solitude issues
THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1) Zimbabwean
2) Zambian
3) south african
THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1) Dying young without accomplishing everything I want in life
2) snakes
3) failure
THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1) Cocoa butter body lotion
2) diary entry
3) At least one huge bear hug.
THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1) Blue jeans
2) hoodie
3) connies(converse sneakers)
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS (at the moment):
1) Lauryn Hill
2) Stevie (Wonder…doh)
3) Myself
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS (at the moment):
1) “Lately” (stevie)
2) “Gabriel” by Lamb
3) “going to meet the man" by me. (wut wooh!)
THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:
1) being comfortable with solitude
2)being healthy
3) working, yeah holding a steady job
THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
1) Honesty
2) acceptance
3) genuine friendship
TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE:
1) I have a tattoo
2) I would have Mos Defs babies
3) Jazz really pisses the living crap out of me
THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1) must be really intelligent
2) must be composed
3) Butt, I love me some man-butt
THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:
1) Sing
2) Snowboard
3) number 78 of the kama sutra
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1) Reading
2) Writing
3) Sex (not in that order)
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1) have my appetite back
2) punch this one sucker in his face (wretched liar)
3) something school related like watch the O.C(he he he)...no really, my dissertation.
THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
1) entertainer(rapper)...eat my shorts daddy!!!
2) TV personality
3) being the new dalai lama
THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1) Cuba
2) Brasil
3) Hawaii
THREE KID'S NAMES:
1) Angelique
2) Ruveneko
3) Yvier
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1) Build my own mansion from my own house plans
2) have a family
3) WIN THE NOBEL...HELLO!!!!!!
THREE WAYS I AM STEREOTYPICALLY A BOY:
1) can dress tomboyish(like right now)
2) I’m competitive over most things
3) Big trucks and flashy sports cars turn me on
THREE WAYS I AM STEREOTYPICALLY A CHICK:
1) I like shopping
2) I wear makeup (just a little) and do my hair (sometimes)
3) I’m calculating (SORRY GIRLS)
THREE CELEB CRUSHES:
1) Raphael Saadiq
2) the gorgeous frontman of Blackstarr
3) Andre 3000...aka "2 delicious"!
THREE PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO TAKE THIS QUIZ NOW:
1) no one coz this blog is confidential
2) Wesley (coz he doesnt have time for "computer games"...i never understood the logic...)
3) all the other bastards who call themselves my frendz

Letter to Shay....

2005-01-03T16:59:00.000-08:00

Shay, (my ugly pet high hogger)

What can I say, I read your email, and re read it, many times on different occasions...I love you so much, you always make me think outside of the box, but htis time you touched me...I don't know how to respond to you, because I face the same spiritual dilemna...how can this benelovent omniscient God exist and allow for so much pain in the world. I look into my heart and think of the pain I go through on a daily, and then look at the bigger picture and realise my troubles are a microscopic fraction of the strife in the world. And it seems unfair Shay....why should babies die? Why should babies get raped? What the hell did they ever do? Why death at all? Why should millions die because they cannot eat? Why war? Why natural disaster? Why the hell is there so much injustice in the world? Asking why is almost redundant there are so many possible answers, an active evil the yang of God's ying,life's balance between good and evil, it could be as you suggest a natural evil....aint nobody gonna answer that question satisfactorily. Its this simple, THESE ARE THE CARDS WE HAVE BEEN DEALT.
I dont know that we as such possess any deity in the Aristotle sense....we possess power yielded unto us by nature or this God we speak of...which could be considered the power of freewill, and constantly we underestimate the power our freewill possesses....think of it Shay, if we all chose to never let a child die of starvation again, it would not happen beacause there is more than enough in the world to feed everybody. That's power. That's a power we possess. Deity I dont know....but power indeed. And so much of the wrath in this world is due to us, rather than a malevolent god....
Freewill, is a bitch...i dont know that its a cop out...imagine if we were puppets Shay, what would be the use of our existance, he may as well have stopped on the 6th day....
I still havent figured out The Tsunami bit Shay...and I worry about that because I know I wont figure it out anytime soon, maybe thats the aha moment Oprah talks about, or the epiphany Einstein speaks of...

This question of our God is not a question that can be answered by Bentham, nor Nietzche nor Roux nor Pascals wager...faith is afterall about you and God. Its a question you can only answer inside yourself, Thats where real truth lies afterall.

Remain strong...and i hope that you continue to HOPE and PRAY, and follow in faith if it brings you comfort.

Love you Shay,
Chi.

Cut Down to Size

2004-12-31T15:21:00.000-08:00

Cut Down to Size………

So I have to give you marks coz you did your part,
Yeah you really did cut me down to size.
Told me “I” had to change while
You looked intently into my eyes…
But you always found your revolution somehow,
…right here between my thighs!
Cut me down
Cut me right down
Right down to size.
Honesty your desired policy
Except that you never applied it,
Not telling a lie just withholding the truth
Denying while I prophesied it.
And for the little honesty that you cared to share…
I had to reveal all of me.
Lay white washed in my tears barren with my fear
In decorous humiliation for you to see.
Revolutions and resolutions I done lost count of my pleas
But it was always me misunderstanding
Your indifference should have shuddered me from my sleep.
And I really did love you,
You see that’s the sad part
Cept you never reached to wipe the tears in my eyes…
But oh yeah you searched intently for my forgiveness between my thighs

And so did she lick her lips like she licked those stamps
And say that’s what best friends do…
Did she keep you away an hour too long
At the station coz best friends do that too?
And you really are fucked up in the head
So you may as well admit it
And yes my mistrust for black men
Is subject to your play
Subject to the very scriptures
That you left between my thighs
That you left dissolving in my eyes….
You broke me down.
I hope you proud
Down to size
Down to size.
You cut me right down to size.

When Injustice Becomes a Law....

2004-12-28T16:59:00.000-08:00

RESISTANCE BECOMES A DUTY

Si, Si, Viva Che!
RIFA LA SIEMPHRE!!!!! HASTA LA VICTORIA SIEMPRE!

What does this mean?

Burn Babylon and all that. Yes I do believe that the world has gone astray, and that some type of revolution is dire. Capitalist injustice is just the way of the times, not the way of the ages...a regime reflecting the insatiable desires of few powerful rotten souls. But change must come, if not for inequity, then for the rise and fall of civilisations, change, revolution...and people are crying for it, begging for this revolution. But in these times, we have mislead leaders, whose souls are easily bought and sold, so even before the struggle for change, the cause is compromised.
How can it be that so many must suffer while others live in the lap of luxury. Magzines like top billing will praise Bill Gates, and Donald Trump...children in Northern Kenya starve while their immeasurable riches grow...by the second. It just doesnt make sense to me. Why do we have poverty when there is more than enough of the basic commodities that we so often take for granted. Whatever happened to compassion? Must they take what they deserve, what everyone is entitled to through force? Under duress? In the words of Monsenor Oscar Romero."The world of the poor teaches us that liberation will arrive only when the poor are not simply on the receiving end of hand-outs from governments or from the churches, but when they themselves are the masters and protagonists of their own struggle for liberation." I have to say that at this point the fight is not in the jungle, weapons are no longer guns but rather what Che started with, education. It is only with education that we can gain power. Gain some sense of dignity. What really makes a man afterall? "The revolution isn't held in ones mouth to live from it. The revolution is held in one's heart to die for it"

Dark Places Inside Yourself.

2004-12-16T23:31:00.000-08:00

Road to Self Hate

Could you be in a room full of people and feel so alone?
Feel the maggots of loneliness biting at your bones.
I’m slipping out of consciousness into numbness
Like the ghost of some woman is taking over me.
Some people, very ordinary people, hold it together
While their inner man decays,
Adorned in makeup and fancy trinkets….
But I don’t have those accessories to disguise what will be my hollow shell
Very soon it won’t matter to hide,
It won’t matter a bit.
Who can miss the unmistakable face of legs once spread…
And dying dangling in between?
And they will care,
Perhaps more than I…
They will stare rudely
…and sporadically wake my conscience from its slumber
But by then, it won’t matter.
But as a form of distraction it must appear so…
By means of divertive routine,
It will bring me further away from tears,
Further away from aching…
And perhaps for the minute fill these empty spaces but,
Eventually form the path of my road to self hate

I’m not a pure breed of evil
So what I feel do I deserve?

Once I was in a dark place and there was no escape but for me to fall into myself. there is nothing nastier than hating yourself. You lose confidence in everything, lost confidence that there is any goodness in the world...and then someone smiles...or you mom calls randomly, or your daddy emails you, and reminds you tha there is some goodness left...and some justice...and if there really is any justice in the world, I deserve to be loved, atleast by myself. Sometimes I still meet that cross road that could take me down the road to self hate, and it scares me because i am scared of the dark laces that I know still exist inside me. But for as long as that light brings me back to the pat I want to roam, I'm eazzzzzzzzy!

And so the Journey for the Gen Began

2004-12-16T22:43:00.000-08:00

Finally a space to document the absurdities of my mind.

I begin by explaining the term Prolific Gen. It is essentially my quest.
For perfect knowledge...which in a real sense unattainable,the perfection part, but it leaves me with something to constantly strive for...Much thanks to the amazing gentleperson, "God's knowledge," who awakened this ethos which was, atleast for a bit, dormant in my mind.

What is knowledge? (lol. na-ah, not that)
The psychological result of perception and learning and reasoning
So what's the point of my quest? The ability to discern truth from falsity.
And already in that, lies my first conundrum....truth is relative what may be a truth to me, may not be a truth to you.
But I need the facts, I thirst for the material, I hunger for the gen, so I can find my own self truth.

I guess at the end of it all.
I'm a simple girl who wants to know as much as I can about whatever I can.

Pascal's Wager

2004-12-12T18:09:00.000-08:00

Was that guy smart or what????? Okay this is the basic theory...
The French mathematician Blaise Pascal (1623-62) put forward an argument that would appeal to agnostics.BTW An agnostic is someone who believes that it is impossible to prove God's existence.

His argument goes something like this: God either exists or he does not. If we believe in God and he exists, we will be rewarded with eternal bliss in heaven. If we believe in God and he does not exist then at worst all we have forgone is a few sinful pleasures.

If we do not believe in God and he does exist we may enjoy a few sinful pleasures, but we may face eternal damnation. If we do not believe in God and he does not exist then our sins will not be punished.

Would any rational gambler think that the experience of a few sinful pleasures is worth the risk of eternal damnation?

Smart huh....in other words damned if you don't believe....this is almost mathematical....probabilities....no question then as to whether he was an agnostic.
There are so many theories surrounding the existence of God....and this is central to my quest for prolific gen....because essentially if I do have a master...my life is to serve his will right...
I will look deeper into what great philosophers have proposed about the existence of God.